That's a big fella! Whoa!
- Looks great. - Thank you.
Happy vacation, honey.
Manchurian tung oil! Where did you get this?
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
There's enough here to do the whole table and the bureau.
I wonder what this could be.
Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you.
Enough to do the entire guest room.
I'm so glad we're spending our vacation at home.
- I'm gonna get started now. - Where are you going?
- I'll get it. - Be my guest.
- Maybe you should get it. - I'll go.
Oh, no!
Jane.
It's your turn, honey.
- Good luck, honey. - Thanks.
Hi, Barbara. I'm glad I caught you. Heard you were on vacation.
That's right. Complete vacation.
Today I'm $260,000!
- It's 6:45 in the morning. - This offer is real.
From a man in New York City who only saw a photograph.
Jane, don't send people photos of our house.
He wants to bring the wife and family here for some peace and quiet.
That's what we're looking for.
This house is too big for you. It ought to be for a couple with kids.
I didn't mean anything. But this house is too big.
- I'll see you in a few weeks. Okay? - Think about it.
I was telling Barbara about this offer on the house and...
Come with me to the store.
- What for? - I need a new brush for the tung oil.
- And I want to get a part for the model. - Just run in, okay?
Two weeks at home. The perfect vacation.
Jane says we should sell the house to someone with a family.
I don't think it's any of Jane's business.
Besides, we could try again on this vacation.
Really? What are you saying?
- How are you doing, Ernie? - Hi, how are ya?
Morning, Adam.
- Need a haircut before your vacation? - No, thanks, Bill.
- How's the model coming? - Great.
You know, Bozman built that foundation in 1835. His grandson came...
He's got hair down to his goddamn shoulders.
He says to me, "Just trim it a little."
- I took scissors to him so fast... - See you later.
- This will be great. - Wouldn't you rather go to Jamaica?
- No way. There's no place like home. - Look out for that...
Perfect start to our vacation.
You'll feel better when you're dry.
That fire wasn't burning when we left.
- How's your arm? - I don't know. It feels frozen.
I'll make some coffee and you get wood for the fire.
Maybe we should take things extra slow.
Do you remember how we got back up here?
I'm going back to the bridge and retrace our steps.
- You saved my... - Two hours!
- You won't believe... What? - That's how long you were gone.
- What is going on? - I have to show you something.
Look.
There's that.
And there's that.
- "Handbook for the Recently Diseased." - Deceased.
Deceased.
I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
"Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press."
You know what? I don't think we survived the crash.
I hate this.
Can you give me the basics?
This book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know?
Why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch?
Are we halfway to heaven or to hell?
How long will this last?
I don't see anything about heaven or hell.
The book reads like stereo instructions. Listen.
"Geographical and Temporal Perimeters.
"Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation."
This is going to take some time.
Damn sandworms. Thirteen percent, huh?
I better find a job. Let's see. Business section.
What do we got here? The Maitlands.
Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
I wish I had a better view of the cemetery from here.
I can't tell which is the best placement for us.
Cabin fever?
I can't clean properly.
The vacuum's in the garage and we can't leave the house.
Where are the other dead people? Why is it just you and me?
Maybe this is heaven.
In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
It's Jane.
- What's she doing here? - I don't know.
Jane, up here. Jane!
She can't see you, right?
In the book, rule number 2: The living usually won't see the dead.
- Won't or can't? - It just says "won't."
God, this book is so stupid! I can't understand anything in it.
Barb, honey...
we're dead.
I don't think we have much to worry about anymore.
This is great! Just what the doctor ordered.
Sorry, ma'am.
Delia Deetz, welcome home.
Charles!
It's okay, there's no damage. See? Good, sturdy country craftsmanship.
Look at that kitchen. You'll finally be able to cook a decent meal.
Come have a look.
A little gasoline. Blowtorch. No problem.
Excuse me. Here we go.
We'll have to rip out the plumbing.
Other than that, it's perfect. Just perfect.
- What do you think, honey? - Delia hates it.
I could live here.
Careful! That's my sculpture.
I don't mean "my" as in "I bought it." I mean I made it.
Put it on the table.
Ten minutes. I'm already perfectly at ease.
It's perfect.
Help!
It's Otho.
Otho, why don't you come in the front door?
It's bad luck.
You left the city for me. I am so happy.
Of course you are.
Let's get one thing straight.
We're here to enjoy the country setting, not to trash the place!
Charles, you're lucky the yuppies are buying condos...
so you can afford what I'm going to have to do to this place.
I'm here to relax and clip coupons, and, damn it, I mean to do it.
Then go do it quietly, dear, and let Otho and me think.
Is the rest of the house as bad as this?
Is this a punishment? What are we going to do?
We're not completely helpless.
I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation.
Ghosts!
Let's get this show on the road.
We're dealing with negative entertainment potential.
There's absolutely no organic flow through.
I noticed that, too. It's like a giant ant farm.
- What? - I thought I saw something.
You read my mind.
- I did? - Few clients are able to read my mind.
They're not open to the experience.
My God!
We just have to pray the other closets are bigger than this one.
Look!
Ozzie and Harriet.
- What happened to these people? - They died.
Look, an indoor outhouse.
- Viridian. - Viridian. Why do I know that name?
Blue-green!
Hydrated chromic oxide.
Remember, I'm schooled in chemistry. I was a hair analyst.
- What? - Briefly.
Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
I know what you two are up to.
- You're not going to get away with it. - This is not working out.
I will not stop living art just because you need to relax.
I will live with you in this hellhole.
But I must express myself. If I can't gut this house and make it my own...
I will go insane and I will take you with me!
Yeah. Well, maybe the house could use a little remodeling.
But why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
I'll get her.
So?
Cover the wallpaper, knock down a few walls and this place might be livable.
- What's on the third floor? - Attic space.
I forgot to lock the attic door.
- Did you feel something? - When?
- You don't have a key? - Maybe Charles does.
I have a feeling there's something very interesting behind this door.
Yeah, ghosts of the people who died in this house, and they want us out!
Let's do them a favor.
My God, that was close!
I cannot watch this.
What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?
- Honey? - No, I'm not putting up with this!
- You don't know what's out there. - I don't care.
- Barbara! - Adam!
Adam, help. I'm getting all yellow!
We're trapped in this house with those people.
I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
I plan to have a stroke from the MSG in this food.
This is our first meal in this house, so let's try to make it a pleasant one.
Don't bait your mother.
When we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
My whole life is a darkroom.
One big dark room.
You were miserable in New York City, and you'll be miserable in the sticks.
At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
I'm happy here. Those people in New York don't know what they're missing.
We could become the summer art center of New York.
I could start sculpting again. I'm only truly happy when I'm sculpting.
That's a very good idea. That'll be very time-consuming.
First the house. Otho and I have great plans.
We should keep it the way it is.
Good idea.
The furniture truck is coming. We must decide what goes and what stays.
Everything goes, along with what's in the attic.
Careful.
Tell me what you do and I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
- Isn't there an index? - No, nothing.
What's this?
Do you know where that's going? Did anyone tell you where...
Why are there only three sculptures? There were four sculptures.
Where's the fourth sculpture?
What are you doing?
"Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist. Troubled by the living?
"Is death a problem and not the solution? Unhappy with eternity?
"Having difficulty adjusting? Call Betelgeuse."
There's no number or instructions?
Nothing. The bio-exorcist. I don't get it.
Straight back.
Why don't you take a break for half an hour?
- Put that down! - What the hell are you doing?
- Listen to me! - Jesus!
Why are you doing this to me? This is my art and it is dangerous.
You think I want to die like this?
That little girl saw us.
- Nobody can see us. - But she did.
- What happened to the previous owners? - They drowned.
Yes, they were family. I was devastated.
- Here, take that. - Is this the key to the attic?
That skeleton key will open any door. Give that to your father.
You might mention I single-handedly decorated that house.
If he needs any advice in that arena have him come see me.
Don't worry. I locked the door.
Having trouble with the living? Tired of having your home violated?
Want to get rid of them pesky living critters?
Well, come on down and see me, the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist.
Yes, sirree! I want to tell you, I'll do anything!
I'll scare 'em real bad. I'll do anything to get your business.
Hell! I'll possess myself if I gotta!
Yo! I got demons runnin' all through me.
Come on down and see it.
If you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism.
You can't beat that, can you?
Bring the little partners. We've got plenty of snakes for them to play with.
Say it once, say it twice, third time's the charm. And remember...
I'll eat anything you want me to eat Swallow anything you want me to swallow
But come on down I'll chew on a dog
We need some help. I read something in this book about emergencies.
Here it is. "In case of emergency, draw a door."
Draw a door? I don't know why we keep looking in that stupid book.
Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
You didn't actually think that would work, did you?
Knock 3 times.
Birdies!
- Can't you see I'm relaxing? - I want to tell you what I saw.
What is the point of my coming here if you people won't let me relax?
Pumpkin, sweetheart...
go help your mother.
Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Hmm, nice building.
Bad roof. Good parking.
- Adam? - This way, honey.
You don't have an appointment.
- We didn't know how to make one. - Appointment for what?
- What do you want? - Help?
Already? Just bit the big one two months ago and you want help.
What does that have to do with anything?
You'll use up all your help vouchers. D-90s.
You spend 125 years on earth in that house...
during which you get only 3 class-one D-90 intercessions with Juno.
You probably haven't read through the manual completely yet.
You'll have to wait if you don't have an appointment.
- An appointment with whom? - For Juno, your caseworker.
Number 54,000,601. Ferndock!
- Want a cigarette? - No, thank you.
I'm trying to cut down myself.
Adam, is this what happens when you die?
This is what happens when you die.
That is what happens when he dies. And that is what happens when they die.
It's all very personal. I'll tell you something.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident.
Maitland. Party of two.
Take the handbook and go to the sixth door.
Oh, we forgot our handbook.
Come on.
All new arrivals, report to waiting room number eight.
Flight 409 is arriving at gate three.
How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
- You look fine. - Fine.
Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat.
125 years. I can't believe this.
I can't believe they didn't tell us.
Oh, Adam, what is this?
That's the Lost Souls' Room.
A room for ghosts that have been exorcised.
Poor devils.
That's death for the dead.
It's all in the handbook.
Keep moving.
Five.
This is the sixth door.
Boy, this place just gets weirder and weirder.
We're home!
Look at this place! Everything's different.
All our furniture's gone.
How long do you suppose we were waiting there?
Three months.
I'd almost given up on you. I was about to leave.
I do have other clients.
- Are you Juno, our caseworker? - Yes.
I evaluate individual cases and determine...
if help is needed, deserved and available.
Are you available?
- What's wrong? - We're very unhappy.
What did you expect? You're dead!
We want to get rid of the people here. We worked hard on this house.
We probably wouldn't mind sharing the house with people who were...
- More like you used to be. - Yes.
But these people!
Things seem quiet here.
You should thank God you didn't die in Italy.
The Deetzes!
- Have you been studying the manual? - We tried.
The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all.
Get them out yourselves! It's your house.
Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
- We don't quite get it. - I heard.
Tore your faces off.
It's useless to pull off your heads in front of people who can't see you.
- We should start simply? - Start simply.
Do what you know. Use your talents. Practice.
You should have been studying those lessons since day one.
I've got to go.
What about that guy in the flyer, Betel...
Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
We might.
No, you don't. He does not work well with others.
What do you mean?
I didn't want to bring it up.
But rather than have you make another mistake, I'll tell you.
He was my assistant.
But he was a troublemaker. He went out on his own...
as a freelance bio-exorcist.
Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble.
I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately.
The only way he can be brought back...
is by calling his name three times.
But I strongly suggest...
that you remove the Deetzes yourselves.
How do we contact you...
if we need you again?
Oh, Adam, that guy's in our cemetery.
She's right. We just keep this simple. We can do this.
Hey, you, come here!
Hungry?
Come on. Hey, come here.
I got something good for you. Come on over.
We'll have a little bite, something to nosh.
- Come here! - Help me!
Maxie, haven't I always made you money? That's the only real question.
Nobody made me money like you. You were a demon until your nerves went.
It's just that...
Winter River, Connecticut, is, if you'll forgive me, nowhere.
Why would I want to invest that kind of money in an old building?
- It's way the hell up there! - It's not a building. That's the beauty.
The people don't know the value of their property. I can buy the whole town.
Then we own a whole town full of nowhere.
Come and see.
And bring Sarah.
All right, Charles. It's just that I am kind of busy here.
Just a minute.
Listen. Enough of this talk about visiting, okay? I gotta go.
You take it easy up there, big fellow.
- Good-bye. - Max, wait, wait.
Putz.
Lydia, is Connecticut so boring? I had Maxie Dean on the phone.
Dad's found a way of making money while I relax, so would you scram?
Your mother will kill you when she sees you cut holes in her $300 sheets.
This is so corny. Is this what we've been reduced to? Sheets?
Think of them as death shrouds.
And the moaning is important. Really moan!
God, how can he stand that woman?
Cut it out! I'm a child, for God's sakes.
- I feel so stupid. - It's not stupid. We're ghosts!
Do you want to spend the next 125 years having breakfast with this woman?
Moan louder.
Oh, God!
Sick. Sexual perversion.
Do that weird sexual stuff in your own bedroom.
Ah, no feet.
Are you the guys hiding in the attic?
We're ghosts!
- What do you look like under there? - Aren't you scared?
I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there?
Are you Night of the Living Dead under there?
Like all bloody veins and pus?
- Night of the what? - Living Dead. It's a movie.
If I had seen a ghost at your age, I would have been scared out of my wits.
You're not gross. Why are you wearing sheets?
We're practicing.
- You can see us without the sheets? - Of course I can see you.
How can you see us and nobody else can?
I read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased.
It says, "Live people ignore the strange and unusual."
I myself am strange and unusual.
You look normal.
- You read our book? - Yes.
- You could follow it? - Yes. Why were you in Delia's bedroom?
- Trying to scare your mother. - Stepmother.
You can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium.
You did this?
You carved these houses and things?
And this used to be your house.
Why do you want to scare everybody?
We wanted to frighten you so you would move out.
You don't know the Deetzes.
My father bought this place. He never walks away from equity.
- Why don't you leave? - We haven't left since the funeral.
Funeral!
God! You guys really are dead.
This is amazing.
- I better go. - Wait.
- Don't tell your parents we're here. - Unless it will frighten them away.
Tell them we are horrible...
desperate ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing...
to get our house back.
What if this is a dream? Can you do any tricks to prove I'm not dreaming?
If you are real ghosts, you better get another routine because those sheets...
they don't work.
Ghosts.
You're telling me we have ghosts in this house.
Those pictures are of ghosts.
Ghosts!
Lydia, I am giving a dinner party tonight for seven people.
My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman who writes for Art in America.
In fact, no one dining here has not been in Vanity Fair except you.
I told them you were too mean to be afraid.
Don't you dare speak to others about me!
Being embarrassed in front of the few people who will set foot here scares me.
So let's play family just for tonight.
Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
She's got photos.
Adam, you have a photo of Bigfoot.
My photo of Bigfoot is a different story.
We've got to get some help. We've got to contact Betelmeyer or something.
Look.
It's him, Betelgeuse.
Go ahead, Barbara, say it.
What happened?
I think we're in the model.
Look at that.
Where is he? What do we do?
Looks like we dig.
It's about time!
- I say we open it. - Maybe we should knock first.
Adam. Babs.